I will never be the same....

This is a post, I wish I never had to make.  

Words I wish I never had to speak.  

Tears I wish I never had to cry.

  

Many of you have been following along as I have posted several times over the past 8 months about my sister-in-law, Ali, on facebook.  Many of you have offered prayers for her and were a part of the fundraiser we held for her this summer, thank you for your prayers and support.  

Two days ago, November 3, 2011, I woke up to a rainy day, I mean, it was really pouring...but I was feeling a good day coming on - I even posted on twitter the following words, "Gonna be a good day, started with eggs, toast, quiet time & Alison Krauss - that is, after I got my crazy two year old out of the house :)"  

I love to listen to Alison Krauss when it rains.  

Work has really piled up on me for the past couple of weeks, I feel like I have been drowning in it.  Clark's grandmother offered to keep Grant so that I could try to make a dent in my big long list of things I had to do.  I got Grant out in the rain and started her way.  Before I could even get to her house...the call came.

"If you want to see Ali alive, you need to come today."

My heart stopped.  

My throat closed.

I began to sob.  

Let me share a little bit about Ali. 

I don't have to even tell you all she loved pink.  You already know that.

But I'll tell you anyway....Ali loved pink.  I loved when I drew Ali's name for Christmas, she was one of those people, anywhere you are you can see something and say, "That is SO Ali."  She was the definition of girlie-girl.  All things pink, polka-dotted and monogrammed.  She loved to wear flowers in her hair.  We shared a love for decorating, for holidays, for shopping.  

This is us shopping on vacation years ago.

She was so classy.  In the summer she always wore skirts and dresses.  And always looked her best when we went out for dinner.  She made sure Ben looked his best too.  

This was the year that I made her buy these capris because they were so darn cute on her.  It took her a while to talk herself into it, but she finally did it.

She loved babies.

Babies loved her.  

She wanted like ten....seriously.

Any time the family got together, she had a baby in her lap.  She was such a "mom" even before she was a mom.

She could sweet talk Ben into anything.

Even this...

She loved to read.

For every occasion she got the kiddos books.

This is the book Griffin received from her one Christmas.  It is his favorite book, "Smash Crash", and we have to read it almost every night.  

  

She was so full of life.  

We would stop at yard sales so she could buy an ugly out of date dress to add to her costume/dress-up stash.  One time we stopped and she went for this terribly ugly green dress...and said, "Oh, this is perfect for St. Patrick's Day."  And I would reply with, "Seriously!?"  Who was I kidding...she could pull off anything, with that big white smile and beautiful blonde hair.  

She was so sensitive....just like me.  Only because she had a heart the size of Texas.  

Yet at the same time, she didn't care what people thought...if she wanted to wear cute frilly aprons in the kitchen and stars on her head for 4th of July, then she was gonna do it.  Other people were just missing out.  I loved that about her.

She was dear to my heart.  My sister-in-law, my friend.

I shouldn't have to write "Ali was" "Ali did"  "Ali loved"  I wish more than anything I could write... "Ali is" "Ali loves"

We got to the hospital a little before 7 on Thursday night.  Got to her hallway, and saw her family talking with the doctor about options.  Ben led the way as we went in to see her.  We walked in the room, and she made eye contact, she was fighting for her life, lifting her head up to catch a breath as if she was in water and the level was rising.  I immediately started to sob uncontrollably, and turned around to walk away because I thought to myself, "She wouldn't want me to see her like this."  But I couldn't leave...I turned back around and right then and there, her heart stopped.  That quick.

The doctor walked up right next to me, and said in a whisper, "She's gone."  I replied, "What?"  And she shook her head, she repeated..."She's gone."

In anguish we all cried out in prayer to God, "Please, save her."  The room flooded with everyone in the family, all gathered around as Ben held her head in his arms.  We begged and pleaded.  Her heartbeat began to start again, very slowly...only to stop once again, for good.    

  She was done fighting.  The Lord had come to save her in her distress.  He had called her home to be with Him.

How do you move on from that?  How do I move on from seeing her that way.  Seeing Ben as he held onto her.  Seeing Olivia, her one year old daughter, as she hugged her Mommy for the last time.  

How will we ever...I don't yet know.  

We all went to stay the night with Ben, so him and Olivia wouldn't be alone.  He came home to a house fully decked out for Halloween...Ali went all out for each season.  He opened a package that was laying on the table...a pair of slippers that Ali had ordered for herself.  

I have never felt so helpless in my life.  I've always been the type of person to want to make things better, and I wanted to help Ben so badly, and I know all of us did.  But there was nothing we could do, but love him.

Ben....we will love you through this.

This whole time it has been so hard on me to live so far from her and Ben and Olivia, I have felt so helpless.  I was supposed to stay with her the week before, spend the day with her, and work was so overwhelming and I had deadlines to meet, and so I told her I couldn't make it, and I would "reschedule" for the next open day to help her.  I don't get that day now.  I wish I could go back so badly and change that.  Life is so unfair.  

It's unfair that Clark just walked in the room with a black suit on, trying it on to see if it will fit for her funeral, when the last place he wore it was to be the best man in her and Ben's wedding two years ago. 

I will never be the same.  

Ali has changed me forever.  

I truly know that the only moment we own, is the one we are in.  

I will love deeper.

 I will try to live life to the fullest.

Buy my children lots of books.

Not raise my voice out of frustration.

Wear cute and frilly aprons at Christmas.

Snuggle with my three boys, every.chance.I.get.

I will draw closer to the Lord.

I will fear death even less, because I know she is already there, waiting to greet me.  

And it won't be hard to find her....

she'll be the angel with big pink wings.

I know you know how much I love you and I miss you so terribly, Ali.  The only comfort my heart has, is knowing you are completely whole and full of unspeakable joy with our Heavenly Father in heaven...so much joy that even if you could come back to us, you wouldn't.  Your legacy lives on in us all.  

I will never be the same.   

Lindsey

Ali has an amazing family. 

 Her youngest sister, Melanie, wrote her a letter...it's beautiful. 

 To read, click on the following link

 www.loft3pd.com/blog

Birth Story: Grant Thomas Howard

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalms 139:13-16

You know how they say each labor/birthing experience is different...well, "they" were right in my case.  

Let's summarize:

Griffin - Went into labor 4 days early, labored for a good 20 hours or so, 12 while at the hospital, had him naturally, no epidural, no pain medicine, 8.15 lbs/21 1/2 inches long - most awesome experience of my life!

Grant- 3 days overdue, administered prostaglandin gel to jump-start labor, emergency c-section, 8.9 Ibs, 21 inches long - most painful thing I have ever been through!  

The first eight months of this pregnancy flew by.  I was beginning to think I was superwoman!  I had a ton of energy, felt great, was getting all kinds of things done, kept working right up till time for Grant to arrive.

The last month however, crept by....I started to contract regularly and walked around 3-4 centimeters dilated forever -- but the contractions always stopped, and I never went into full-blown labor.  I was starting think this little guy would never get here!

Met with my doctor (who was also the doctor who delivered Griffin)  She knew my situation, and how I couldn't have an epidural, and I how I wanted to go naturally and not be induced - but she scheduled me to come in three days after my due date, because she didn't want the baby to get any bigger, and she wanted to administer prostaglandin gel, which is a hormone your body already produces during labor to ripen the cervix, she said since I was already 4 centimeters dilated and contracting all the time, then this should just make my contractions more consistent, therefore jump-starting labor, and that she could administer it every four hours, and we would just be patient and take however much time we needed.  So here's how it went down:     

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Here I am just arriving at the hospital, it is 6 a.m.

Grant sure is comfy in my belly!

Checked in.

Changed into ugly hospital gown.

Got an IV.

I was 5 centimeters and 70 percent effaced.

I was contracting often, but nothing consistent in timing.

Around 8/8:15 - Administered prostaglandin gel

Started contracting every three minutes.

Grant's heart rate dropped VERY low after each contraction.

Turned me on my right side - heart rate still dropped.

Turned me on my left side - heart rate still dropped.

Gave me oxygen - heart rate still dropped.

At this point my doctor, who I love and trust, came in to tell me what I already was bracing myself for.  She informed me that Grant was not tolerating labor, and that there was no way we could wait for me to dilate another 5 centimeters in order to have him naturally, and that I would need a c-section.  And with that, they rushed me off right then, put me to sleep, and 20 minutes later, Grant Thomas Howard made his arrival into this crazy world!

All 8 pound and 9 ounces of him!  Don't know how I make such big babies :)  

In the meantime, I woke up from the anesthesia and held my new sweet baby boy.  I thought he was beautiful, of course.  

Now, if you are like me, and when you would hear people talk about c-sections, you think, "Wow, that sounds much easier than having to labor and give birth naturally."  Now, that I have done been on both ends of the spectrum, I feel well qualified to say what I'm about to say, and I'm here to tell you...people who come in asking for c-sections because they think it's easier, are CRAZY!

Giving birth to Griffin, was truly the most amazing experience of my entire life, and after I had him, I felt great, and could get up and walk, and recovery was quick.   Having Grant by c-section was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I felt like someone ripped my insides open and threw them back in place --- oh, wait....they did!  I also felt like I was hit by a train, every single muscle in body hurt.  I honestly felt like I would never stand up or walk again.  The whole first day I was hooked up to three different things and couldn't leave the bed.  I stayed in the hospital four days, compared to two with Griffin...and almost every night I reached the point of tears because I was so miserable.

Having said that, I am not trying to scare all you moms-to-be...everyday it did get much better, and I am finally feeling like my normal self :)  It's amazing what a week and-a-half to two weeks of recovery time can do for you.  I understand that emergencies happen, and c-sections are necessary, just like in my case.  I'm just here to say, if you have a choice, please trust me, God made your body to have children, and you can do it!!!  A c-section is NOT the easy way out, it is MAJOR surgery!!  Whew, okay, glad I got that off my chest.

Let me just tell you, all the pain...it was worth it, because I am in love, all over again, with another beautiful baby boy.    

He is an absolute angel.  He is so content and happy.  He is my cuddle bug.

He warms my heart.  

And so do the smiles on the faces of the people in these pictures:

Aunt Jerica and her new nephew.

Mimi admiring her new grandbaby.  She is in love too :)

Aunt Jaylin and her new nephew.

Great Aunt Sheila. 

  Great Aunt Sandra.

Gran and her second Great Grandbaby.  She is proud!

Gammy and Papaw with their new grandson!

The proud daddy.

He looks just like his daddy.  That's okay with me! 

 This was my ONLY popcicle from all four days....hard to believe, I know!  Considering I ate about 30 when I was in labor with Griffin :)

Jerica on Day #2

Griffin meeting his baby brother for the first time...

Our family. 

When I think back on the last two weeks, and everything that has happened, I look at my family, and I am amazed at what God allows us to do.  Yes, it was painful, but that has already faded away...God allowed me to create life.  

God used little old me to make his heart beat.

God used me to give him breath.

God used me to give him LIFE.

He will continue to use me and Clark to shape and mold him into the person that God wants him to be.  To grow into a person full of love, that will make the world a better place.  

What a responsibility.  What a privilege.  

When I look at both of my children, I am overwhelmed with God's love for me.  

    

And I praise and thank Him for allowing me to experience this kind of love...

a love that is only a fraction compared to the love he must feel for us.  Hard to imagine.

I also want to thank my Mom, who stayed with me the first week I was home, and took care of me, kept Grant at night so me and Clark could sleep, changed diapers, fed bottles, helped me keep up with housework, and just was there for me, I would have never survived without you, Mom.  What you did for me that week was something I will never forget.  I love you. 

Also to everyone else who visited, brought meals and left gifts and sent messages, you have no idea what each of those things meant to me!  Your support and love lifted my spirits right when I needed it.  Thanks a million times over. 

Here is our precious cargo on the way home :)

This is what we came home to:

Gift and flowers from the best Mother-in-law ever!

The most beautiful flowers from my sweet, sweet friend, Paige.

Welcome home Grant!

Hello there!

 I have to go for now....I've got two sweet boys to love on :)  

Love and Hugs,

Lindsey